the ‘defining’ factor.

With around 72 hours till my final Literature exam, i’ve come to realise that i do not care. Whilst i admit, year 12 finals seem to be the most important things of our schooling years, i do not care. I’ve grown up constantly being told that if I truly want something I will find a way to get it, I will pursue my dreams and make them a realities. But on the eve of a mental breakdown, I have realised that i do not care about exams, i do not care about a number that ‘defines’ my intellectual abilities because i know i am so much better than what the results will show. I’m not good in exam conditions, i’m not good at essays, i love discussions and papers and reading. I have accepted this.
Whilst i still am studying and working towards this score i’ve come to realise i have no true motivation. The fact that this number will define what course i do at what institution does not matter to me anymore, as i’m simply lost as what to do.
The defining factor of this is that i know i will not be going to university next year. OMG SHOCKER. no it’s not shocking, it’s one of the most brilliant ideas i’ve ever had. Why, would i go pay upwards and onwards of $20,000 a year for something that i’m not sure i want to do? why, when i could be spending that money figuring out who i am be studying for something i know i am not?
I’m a confident, intelligent, sometimes naive young adult that seeks adventure, experience and a life to be lived. I, at this moment in time, do not seek to be the DUX of my school, or get another VCE premiers award. I seek to study things that interest me, learn random facts about countries i’ve never even heard of, make friends with strangers, i seek to find a life that suits who i am.
I want to learn how to draw, i want to sit in cafes drinking coffee and watching people, i want to spend days curled up on my couch writing, i want to travel the world and not miss things, i want to pack up and leave. I understand that that’s a lot of wants selfish as it may be, but at what point do we start living for ourselves? We’ve grown up in a world that pressures us to care about this ‘defining’ result, that tells us that to live, we need to do well. That this result, only if it’s a good one, will help you achieve greatness. So here’s what i want to say. I do not care about this ‘defining’ result. I do not care that i might not get into uni. I do not care that i’m going to do something for myself. mostly i do not care for anyones opinion that is not well wishes.

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